The headlines write themselves:
"A Long, Hard Sentence for Weiner..."
"Anthony Weiner Gets a Stiff Sentence..."
"PEEEEENNIIIISSSS!"
You get the idea.
Here's my penetrating analysis of the whole thing:
It is incredibly weird that a guy who has become famous for having absolutely no ability whatsoever to stop himself from tweeting and texting pictures of his weiner is actually named Weiner.
It's like, What are the odds of that??
 |
| You got to admit that's a pretty nice bod for a man his age. |
To me it's another wink from the gods (the Illuminati, the Reptilian overlords, the Jews... whoever it is at the bottom of all this... or the top... or where ever they are....) that somewhere in the last few decades since the advent of mass television culture in the 1950s, what we thought was our actual, televised reality actually became mostly scripted reality television.
And this season the writers have been in their absolute best form!
No doubt about that.
And the cheeky bastards have been dropping us subtle hints (either that, or they just can't help themselves having some fun toying with us) that what we think of as our reality is all a scripted, made-for-television comedy/drama.
They're inserting the old TV and movie trope of a character with a punned name into their extended reality TV drama that we think is real life. (Think Han Solo, who's kind of a loner, or Luke Skywalker, who flies space ships in the sky, or Darth Vader, the dark father, or... I'm not going to comment on Princess Leia's name...)
So you've got Bernie Madoff, who made off with a massive amount of other people's money. Seriously what are the odds of that? How on earth could it be that the man most famous for the biggest Ponzi scheme in history, who made off with millions of dollars of other people's money he stole, was actually named Madoff? That's just too much. I don't buy that it's a coincidence.
And then you've got Trump. The person who trumped the inevitable ascendancy of Hillary Clinton into the role everyone knew for a fact that she was going to play, the First Female POTUS in history! He was the one and only possible trump card, ironically by being the only person on earth who would actually not treat her differently because she was a woman, and just brutally attack her with as much gusto as he would have attacked any man. Believe it or no 2016 set women forward a decade at least.
But yeah, Trump.
Trump trumped her. Wtf?
And you know the writers were having a great time in the conference room brainstorming Barack Obama. To flaunt their power over us, they made us elect a guy whose last name rhymes with the name of America's worst enemy in recent history, and whose middle name was the exact same as the second worst villain in recent United States history. Good job, guys. Jesus, I don't care what anybody says, I acknowledge thy mighty power with fear and trembling and pray to thee for good crops.
On top of all this, they're making fun of us by giving these TV characters Star Wars names. Senator Barack Obama. That's a Star Wars name! "Princess- Senator Barack Obama, of Corelia, is here to speak with you." That flows like music. How about former CIA Director, General Petraeus? "Admiral Piett, Grand Moff Tarkin, and General Petraeus..." All of these are just like the others. And- oh shit-- General Petraeus was the guy who had to resign from head of CIA for mishandling classified information! General Betray Us. Motherfuckers. What about RNC Chair Reince Preibus. That's a fucking Star Wars name if I've ever heard one!
I'm telling you they are making all this stuff up and daring us to doubt it. I think they've gotten bored and are seeing how far they can push our limits of credulity.
Here you go:
Tell me this guy's name isn't Reince Preibus.
And finally you've got Anthony Weiner, the weiner guy. It's too much. I'm telling you, I can't handle it. This is too much. They may not have pushed you over the edge yet, but keep watching and you'll catch up with me sooner than you think. We are being winked hard at. And laughed at.
Remember the Weiner scandal first started happening back in 2011, when Donald Trump made his first foray into presidential politics, dipping his toe in the waters by going to the first Republican presidential primary debate. It was so early, only five candidates, including Trump showed up. They even let Gary Johnson on the stage.
One of Weiner's early sexting partners had a stereotypical porn name, Sydney Leathers, and looked like a stereotypical porn star, and after her role in the Weiner dick pic sexting scandal, she actually starred in porn. I am not making this up. What more do you want from me? This shit is being scripted.
And you probably all forgot, but I remember everything...
Anthony Weiner got 21 months in jail for sending porn to a 15 year old girl and for viewing her naked body over a Skype chat twice. Which I think the judge should opt for some kind of Islamic punishment or something where the girl's male relatives just get to beat Weiner up pretty badly and call it the closest thing to justice we could get short of rewinding time and Weiner's parents changing their name to Shapiro or some shit before he was born, and I don't know man, hugging him more.
We would have paramedics on the scene so virtually no chance he could die from it. And we'd have cops standing by to stop the ass kicking if it gets out of hand. Like a broken bone or anything, they call a K.O. and pull the family members off him. We could charge for tickets and this is how we could fund the government with voluntarily contributed revenue instead of mandatory taxation on income and shit.
Anyway, you all probably forgot...
But Anthony Weiner got 21 months for sending the young teen links to porn and getting a live nude cam show from her... and Mary Kay Letourneau (remember her?) actually fucked a 12 year old, got three months in jail, and didn't have to register as a sex offender. I am not making this shit up. She only got sentenced to seven years and had to register after she got out of jail for the first one and did it again. After serving her sentence, she and the young man got married, and the media paid for the entire wedding so they could get exclusive press access.
Here's Barbara Walters just fucking chillin with them:
We live in an absurd world.
